Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
