I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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