I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
