her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Randomize
