I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
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Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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