home. puking in laundry basket.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
