I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
