i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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