grandma shit on top of the toilet
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
How does one acquire holy water?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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