I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
