So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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