Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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