Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
