I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
