Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The feeling are messing with the penis
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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