You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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