Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
we're so committed to being not committed
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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