I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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