Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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