I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
