I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Who died my cat blue again?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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