What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
