my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
