I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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