When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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