It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
