So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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