did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Drunk is not a location!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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