I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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