i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize