Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
