guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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