a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
