You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
