So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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