Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Randomize
