cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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