Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
