I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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