I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
