This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
