She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
