The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you had me at cake vodka
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
