Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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