its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
