she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
