is your mom at the bar?
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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