Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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