Well apparently he's into motor boating.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
