You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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