So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
