I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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