Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
