I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
