On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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