I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
