Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
