We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The adults are the big ones right?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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